just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
