I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
