The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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