my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
