you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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