Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
