I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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