Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
