plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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