Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
