i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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