I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
