yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
