Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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