well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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