I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
