I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
