I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
