I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
