I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
