he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
