Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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