Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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