The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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