just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
