Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
