i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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