I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
