hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
