I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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