i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
