would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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