I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
