I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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