youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think I won the penis lottery.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
