So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
