connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
