He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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