i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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