I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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