did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
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She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
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Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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