Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
