Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
