I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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