Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
