Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
