the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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