I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
