just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
