Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
