Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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