Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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