I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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